


Until It Breaks

by idiot_mechanism



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adult Harry, Hogwarts, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 08:32:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11398917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idiot_mechanism/pseuds/idiot_mechanism
Summary: “Do I need to be concerned, Potter?”“Not at all.”Harry replies nonchalantly. His attitude, after everything, somehow remains to be completely unchanged. In retrospect, Severus should have at least questioned what Harry was up to. Too late now. Regret is an emotion Severus constantly fails to erase from his life, and he can never escape that vicious circle of regretting and trying to amend the situation.





	Until It Breaks

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, Severus would have lived.

“Do I need to be concerned, Potter?”  
“Not at all.”

Harry replies nonchalantly. His attitude, after everything, somehow remains to be completely unchanged. In retrospect, Severus should have at least questioned what Harry was up to. Too late now. Regret is an emotion Severus constantly fails to erase from his life, and he can never escape that vicious circle of regretting and trying to amend the situation.

 

*

 

Surprisingly, Severus wasn’t that shook when he heard the news. Everyone around him seemed to be paranoid, worrying, arguing, some even sobbing. In the end, Severus thought, every moment of the war led to this. It was the consequence everyone kept avoiding, because acknowledging this would crush their hope of a normal, happy life.  
Harry Potter was gone missing.

What an idiot, Severus murmured, almost to himself. He, too, had been soaked into the sentimental and hopeful atmosphere of post-war. Not as much as others, who have been praised and treated like heroes. Severus just relished in the fact that at least some of his regret was gone, freeing him from the endless, torturous darkness that started long ago. That dull excitement in the chest proved to be something Severus yearned for without even knowing it himself.

“Are you feeling not well?”

Cautious voice from Hermione brought him back from his musings. Yes, definitely, he was an idiot. After all those years, being naïve was never a trait of him. He felt the pang of guiltiness and regret, so much regret. He nodded mutely at the girl’s panicked face.

“Do not worry about me, Ms. Granger. There is more important matter to discuss.”

His voice was neutral as ever, because god knows how long he trained himself to be calm even in the most dangerous moments of his life. He realized how much he hated that now, pretending to be okay when he is not. But he had no choice, as always.

“He did leave a note, which can be both good and bad indication. I know his miserably illegible handwriting well enough, but obviously, there is also a chance that this is fake.”  
“Maybe we can track him down? He must have Apparated, used Floo or Portkey.”

Kingsley, no, Minister of Magic, Severus corrected in his head, replied with a concerned expression. As soon as the news was discovered, he came to join in with the rest of the Order members. How loyal and thoughtful, Severus mused. But not enough. Not enough to make the world into a dream land.

“Hardly. Potter ran away from the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters for a year, without getting noticed. Tracking him down would take very long indeed. Don’t forget, he also has enough knowledge to utilize muggle facilities. We won’t be able to find him unless he wants to be found.”  
“What if he did not run away voluntarily? What if he was kidnapped?”

Ron’s raised voice gave Severus a headache. But he had a point. A point that Severus tried his hardest to ignore, to resist from getting that thought into his head.

“If so, we will hear from the kidnapper soon.”  
“We’ll at least try to track his routine,” Kingsley spoke hurriedly. “Let’s not think of the worst so soon. He might just be on a vacation.”  
“He sure does need one,” Molly sobbed, worry and fear all over her face. “I hope he stays safe. We cannot lose him, not again.”

We already have, Severus thought to himself. He didn’t know why, but he knew. Whether the Boy Who Lived was kidnapped by the rouge Death Eaters, or he was just on a vacation, Severus had the distant feeling that Harry Potter was stepping away from him, from all of them, without even giving a small glance back.

 

*

 

Impossibilities aside, Severus was genuinely tired of thinking straight. It might have been the accumulated fatigue from the war and the treatment for his throat, but he surprised even himself when he refused to do anything productive. Minerva suggested that he return to Hogwarts to teach, but he downright refused her saying that he does not want to think about his life or future.

“I understand, Severus,” Minerva said, sadly. “But just don’t forget that Hogwarts is always an available option for you. You’re the Headmaster, anyway.”  
“I would like to retire myself from that title.” Severus replied with a dry throat.  
“You won’t be able to,” Minerva sighed. “The Board is desperate for you, the war hero, to get back in action with your newfound fame.”  
“Fame.” Severus tasted that unfamiliar word in his mouth. “I do not want fame.”  
“Then what is it that you want?”

It was the question Severus could not answer. Slowly, the panic dawned on him; he did not know. It was unusual for him to not know the answer to the question. It was in his nature to find the answer, if he could not respond initially.

“I’m afraid I do not know.”

Acknowledging his ignorance, however, was not in his nature. Severus closed his eyes.

“I’ve changed.”

Minerva chuckled at that, despite the circumstances. “It seems so.”

“I do not understand.” Severus murmured numbly, his black eyes trying to find answer in the face of his old professor.  
“My best guess is that the war, it changes people.” Minerva said sincerely.

That much, he knew. Or he thought he knew. He could not have been more wrong.

 

*

 

Severus never liked winter. Autumn was good, very good indeed, if it were not for the noisy newcomers to the castle. But winter made everything dull, and his quivering bones ached whenever the wind escapes through the window frames.

“Enter.”

He frowned as he heard the knock on the door. It was almost after midnight, when the night was deep and threatening; who would visit the Headmaster at this hour?

“Hello, Headmaster.”

A robed man opened to door, entering the warm office. His tall stance looked more threatening with the thick, grey winter robe hoisted tightly on his shoulders. The hood fell, and the well adorned black hair made appearance. Severus had to take a second to decide whether he should take out his wand, which he eventually did, and pointed at the stranger.  
It took about another three seconds for him to drop the wand, his hand shaking, his eyes locked onto the achingly familiar set of emerald eyes.

“Potter.”

He whispered, and as if his words signaled to do so, the portraits started to talk excitedly.

“Long time no see, Severus.” Harry smiled gently. He took off the thick robe completely, revealing neat, formal attire. Muggle clothes. Severus scanned Harry for a very long second, Accio-ed the wand back swiftly, and walked to face the long-lost man.

“Ten years.”  
“Really, was it that long? Didn’t notice it much.” Harry gave a fluent response, his gaze straight and powerful, almost majestic. Severus merely stared at him, studying his features; the boy with lanky hair and awkward expression was gone. Instead, in front of him stood a grown man, calm, mature, and dignified man.

“Why did you return?” Severus could not help himself asking. It sounded almost accusatory, and Harry slightly narrowed his eyes. Clearly, he was not expecting that question.  
“Because I wanted to.” Harry replied nonchalantly. Some things never change, Severus thought numbly, recalling the last conversation he had with the boy hero.  
“To do what? Why here?” Severus asked, almost suspicious. It could have been many places; Harry, legally still owned Grimmauld Place and the Potter house in Godric’s Hollow. Maybe even to Burrow, to meet his beloved friends and pseudo-family.

Harry did not answer; rather, he waited a long time until he opened his mouth again. He just smiled, almost as if guarding his thoughts from Severus – and without knowing why, Severus hated that expression on Harry’s face – and gave a gentle hug to Severus.

“It’s a long story.” Harry murmured softly into his ear, and Severus almost panicked, not knowing what to make of the situation. “Care to serve me a cup of tea?”

 

*

 

“You do realize what you’re trying to do.” Severus spoke snidely, glancing at the man who wore a bright smile. Fake, he thought, a fake smile irritating him like nothing else ever could for a long time.

“Of course I do, Severus, I thought this out very carefully.” Harry seemed almost cheerful, even in the unheated air in the corridor in front of the Gate of the castle.  
“I can see that,” Severus snarled, his temper finally giving into his tone. “Care to explain why now, why here, all out of nowhere?”  
“Because I want to.” Harry answered matter-of-factly. “I’ve told you so.”  
“That phrase is becoming a habit of you, Potter.” Severus frowned. “You cannot do something just because you want to. Even a child knows that. Haven’t you learned?”  
“Oh, I’ve learned enough.” Harry smiled with ease. “You know, it’s been a while since I feel this excited. Thank you for accommodating my needs, Severus.“

Severus made a face at that. Whatever Harry did during the last ten years of his life, Severus could not even start guessing. Harry always attracted trouble, he knew that much; it seemed like a miracle that Harry didn’t get on the Ministry’s radar for ten years.

“It’s time.” Severus sighed, giving another glance at Harry. His grown features, perfectly embellished with calmness and competence, showed no useless emotion that was needed.

That scared Severus. He realized he was afraid of seeing Harry like this, all – devoid of authenticity – which made no sense at all. For a second, he hesitated to grab Harry’s wrist and stop him, stop him from walking out of the gate, returning to the Wizarding World with a perfect mask on. But Severus just looked at the back of Harry’s neat, black robes, softly flailing as Harry walked out of the gate to meet with the thunderous voices of questions, applause, and constant camera shutter sounds.

.


End file.
